Syifa

Thursday, November 1, 2018 November 01, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Aku pernah berada dalam fasa yang aku kena jadi perfect untuk someone. I've tried so hard to be the person that's perfect for him. that suit him. But still, I'm not good, not pretty enough. Haha ! Kadang terlampau penat nak kejar expectation someone, terasa macam nak angkat kaki je.

Aku pernah juga berada dalam fasa digantung tak bertali. Sepatutnya masa ni aku dah sedar, yang dia tak ada effort pun nak perbaiki hubungan. Kalau dia betul sayangkan aku, dia akan fight bukan lari or biarkan relationship tergantung macam tu. I'm too attached to leave, but too exhausted to stay. I found myself so hard to move on because of the memories. That's why I keep waiting for that person. Sakit pon sakitlah, tetap nak tunggu.

Aku juga pernah berada dalam fasa sentiasa memaafkan dan terima semula. Selepas relationship berakhir, selalunya aku yang broken teruk while they look so happy with a new life, new partner. Lepas beberapa ketika aku dah mula terima perpisahan tu, they came look for an apology. Sebab aku fikir kebahagiaan aku masih pada mereka, jadi aku maafkan, kutip dan cantum semula perasaan tu. I keep giving them apologize to maintain the bond we shared, the memories that we held, while ignore the broken pieces of myself. Tapi biasalah, if the relationship are meant to be, it will never slipped away. Going back to a broken relationship never works.

Dan banyak lagi fasa yang tak seronok dalam relationship. Well actually we deserve more. More than that.

Kita deserve someone yang buat kita rasa dihargai, someone who means what they say, yang pegang pada janji, we deserve someone who make us feel love every moment. Once kita rasa hubungan tu macam satu paksaan, paksa diri untuk stay, paksa diri untuk muat dalam ruang hati dia sedangkan dia slowly push kita, then it's not a healthy relationhsip.

And I realize that the more time we waste on the people who don't deserve our love, mean the less time we have with people that do. Kita bagi full attention dekat someone yang dah tak peduli kita, hingga kita tak nampak someone yang always there for us.

So sesiapa yang sedang berada dalam toxic relationship, know where you stand. Selalu kita yang perempuan ni memang susah nak angkat kaki. But remember that the pain of leaving less hurt than prolonged pain that we get if we keep staying and hanging. Because, being in love isn't supposed to hurt.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Different people, different ways to heal

Monday, October 22, 2018 October 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

IT TAKES HALF THE TOTAL TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE TO GET OVER THEM

Haaa cuba bayangkan lama mana omputih anggarkan untuk kita get over someone after break up. Kalau yang jenis sebulan sampai namploh kali dating tu, cuba bayangkan kalau setahun dah berapa kali? Jenis pulak sekali dating sampai 22 jam.. matilanakkkk nak melupakan tu. Haha ! It takes half the total time okay... Tapi sebenarnya tak boleh jugak nak tentukan jangka masa untuk move on tu.

Your heart just doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work that way.

Ada orang cakap "alahhhh aku dulu seminggu je dah okay". Jangan kita rasa tak normal bila melebihi tempoh yang orang kata tu. It might works with them, but not with you. Different people, different ways to heal. Seminggu, sebulan, setahun atau lebih dari tu, it's ultimately up to you and time.

I've got so many question after break up years ago. Orang tanya aku "macam mana sekarang" "dah move on ke?" "kalau dia dengan orang lain kau okay tak?" Truth be told, I don't know how to answer those questions. Sebab sampai sekarang aku masih tengah nak figure out macam mana nak lupakan and terima semua ni. Aku tak menolak takdir, aku tahu dah takde jodoh, tapi tu lah.. mungkin masih tak boleh lupakan kenangan.

To be honest, I'm still in healing process. It's been two year after our first break up (putus sambung putus sambung). Sampai sekarang rasa macam tak percaya we're crashed, we're over. And I can't believe that somone can be perfectly fine after that 'storm'. Are you not affected? Sikit pun tak? You know how much it hurts me?

I can’t just bounce back up right away.

But then I realized that luka ni dah tak sebesar dulu. As time passes, as your heart starts to stitch itself back together, we will learn how to cope with the pain. It's not that luka tu hilang sendiri macam tu je, but we're cope with it. Because that pain never go. Kita cuma dah terbiasa. As time passes, it's not so much pain because we're just reminiscing the memories. And as time passes, I believe that the hurt, the pain will become less. It's going to bloom into something better InsyaAllah.

I should be grateful for the love that we felt. Walaupun sementara. Ya, cinta yang lepas tu tinggalkan sakit. But I'm so grateful that I know my heart has the ability to love that strongly. To feel that much. To love unconditionally.

And even though it's hurt, I'm going to be okay. I still surviving and breathing. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I feel like shit now, it’s going to get better. I'm going to grow. I'm going to get stronger :')

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Masih rindu

Friday, May 11, 2018 May 11, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masih rindu. Tapi kali ni bukan rindu yang menyakitkan, bukan rindu sampai menangis tiap malam, bukan rindu yang membuatkan I scroll your Instagram profile dengan tangan yang bergetar, looking at your pictures - happy without me. Bukan lagi rindu yang sasau, yang kalau boleh nak panjat bukit and jerit sekuat hati. Bukan rindu yang membuatkan I hadap phone waiting your text 24/7. No, I don't miss you like that anymore. Missing you is no longer painful. Instead, I miss you now peacefully.

Masih rindu. Tapi rindu yang hanya rindu. Whenever I go hanging at the mall we used to date, I can still see "us" di setiap pelusuk mall, jalan tanpa arah tujuan. I miss you when I heard the song you always wrongly sing, I selalu marah you kalau you nyanyi lagu dengan confident tapi salah. I miss you when I pass by the roads we often taken when we go date. You know? Rindu yang macam tu. Rindu kenangan kita berdua.

I miss you in things around me. Perkara sekeliling yang berkait dengan kita dulu membawa kepada rindu itu.

I do miss you, but I know I won’t have you anymore. I can't reverse time. You now lives somewhere in the narrow alleys of my past.

It’s been a year now, and I still dare to say I miss you, and I realized that no matter how much time will pass and where we'll be, I'll always miss you. But don't worry, I miss you in peacefully :)

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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25 and not married yet and I'm okay

Thursday, February 22, 2018 February 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masa umur belasan tahun dulu, I always have a thought that by 20, I met the right guy, who swipe away all of cinta monyet, and I believed by 25 I would already married. But as life always comes with surprise and turnarounds, takdir tak membawa aku kepada jalan cerita yang aku create sewaktu aku remaja.

After my first big love relationship ended, I just stay still, not make a move to be in a relationship again. Because the feeling being hurt is still there. Tapi, aku tak nafikan, berada dalam hubungan mengajar aku banyak perkara. It's more than just going on dates. It's an experience. Hubungan yang lepas dah buat aku matang, ajar aku tolak ansur (paling failed bab ni). Sebenarnya, untuk sesuatu hubungan yang tak berhasil tu, kita tahu mesti ada kekurangan baik di pihak dia ataupun di pihak kita. So it's a point to learn more about myself, and how to settle it.

Now I think, I'm only 25. I have still much more to do, much more to see, much more to explore, much more to learn. So why should I be looking for a man to marry now? Of course setiap orang tak sama. Ada yang lagi muda but ten times more mature than me and dah ada jodoh untuk kahwin, so yahhh kahwin lah anda.

For me, 25 is still young to know wether or not I could spend the rest of my life with one person. Orang kata perkahwinan tu satu perjudian yang kita tak tahu berjaya atau tidak, so for me, it's still early to step my foot dalam alam rumahtangga ni. Of course, I want to get married in the future, having a family, being a wonderful wife and supermom. And who knows, maybe my soulmate will show up tomorrow.

I'm not saying that I'm against being in a relationship, I'm not saying that everyone should stay single, but I would rather wait than to rush it. I just want to enjoy some time on my own first. I want to be my best self before I found "the one".

For now, I should work on myself, for myself and by myself. And I'm okay with that.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Failed

Monday, February 12, 2018 February 12, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I keep rereading our old texts, because I can't force myself to delete them. Kalau delete, like officially letting you go.. and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to erase every trace of your existence. I know, I should probably done with you now, but I refuse to act like our relationship never happened, I refuse to forget the way you made me feel. I just don't want !

I keep rereading our old texts, because I'm hoping that I find clues about why you act like that.. I'm searching for jawapan kepada setiap persoalan tentang retaknya hubungan kita, for a reason why you hurt me.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I miss you more than I can bear. I know I can't text you, so scrolling and reading our old messages is the best thing I can do :') Ini cara for me to feel close to you, even though you're far away. It's like everything is okay.

I keep rereading our old texts, because there's part of me yang beranggapan you're going come back one day. So I don't want to erase our old conversations, mana lah tahu nanti kita boleh tengok balik in future and laugh together?

I keep rereading our old texts, because they are reminder we really had something before. It wasn't all in my head. The texts, it's a prove that you had feelings for me too. It's not like bertepuk sebelah tangan. It's wasn't one-sided love.

And last,

I keep rereading our old texts, because I torture myself. I listen to sad songs and every single of lyrics remind me of you. I replay our memories over and over again when I get the chance. Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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