Syifa

Friday, December 28, 2018 December 28, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I already know all the reasons why I haven't forgiven him, even it's been a long time since we've broke up, even years. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just holding onto the grudge too long. But the feeling of betrayal, urghhh, I just can't forget.

Kadang-kadang terdetik juga dalam hati, maybe it's the time to let him go. Maybe it's the time to try forgive him.

Sometimes, we think forgiving is a sign of weakness, when in fact it’s the opposite. Memaafkan tu dah cukup membuktikan we have that strength - strength to let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memaafkan perlu banyak kekuatan untuk usir segala sakit yang dah tertanam dalam hati, untuk buang rasa dendam yang tersimpan sekian lama. So orang yang memaafkan adalah orang yang kuat sebenarnya.

Forgiving him doesn’t mean what he did was okay. It just means that you know you’re bigger than the pain he tried to give to you, you’re stronger than any amount of brokenness he tried to leave you in. You should be proud - finally berjaya loloskan diri dari berdendam dengan kisah lalu, berjaya padamkan amarah, you should be proud that you can do the thing that people struggle to do all their lives.

I'm still struggling on this. Aku tahu kalau aku teruskan berdendam terhadap apa yang dah berlaku, terhadap setiap satu yang pernah melukakan, it's going to destroy me, perhaps even more than what they're did.

One day, I hope you can find a way to forget all the pain, leave it behind and never look back.

And maybe you’re not ready to forgive him yet. That’s okay too.

But one day, I hope we're getting there.

p/s : sebelum ni dah ada entri tentang ni - To forgave what I couldn't forget

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Between happy and sad

Friday, December 21, 2018 December 21, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Aku takdelah nak cakap yang aku ni lonely, tapi I wouldn't say I feel entirely fulfilled either. I'm not bored, but I feel like I need to do something more than what I'm doing. Kekadang waktu cuti tu tak sedar masa berlalu, tahu-tahu je dah bedtime ! Half of my day passes just like that. Pernah tak korang rasa macam tu? That you have to ask yourself, apa je yang aku buat harini? Ada hari yang aku rasa tak connect pun dengan dunia luar, I just float until the next day. Haha !

But I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just float, not doing anything. I want to go out, climb, fall, fail and try to climb again. Teringin jugak rasanya nak jatuh cinta semula, rasa dah lama duduk dalam comfort zone yang mana aku tutup hati untuk kenal dengan sesiapa pun. I don't even give a try sebab takut kecewa lagi. I want to fall madly in love with my life and with someone else. I don’t want to remain so numb to the world.

Aku nak rasa bermakna kembali. Sekarang still a bit confuse, tak happy tapi tak jugak sedih. My heart isn't broken but it doesn't feel full either. Semuanya berada di tengah. I want to find the meaning in between. Between happy and sad, between lonely and loving.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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No more waiting game

Sunday, November 11, 2018 November 11, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Untuk girls di luar sana yang masih mencari, menanti dan meletak harapan pada "the right man", life is much more than a waiting game. Life is much more than finding a special one. Life is much more than a man.

Back then when I fell in love, I made mistake. Everything that I did, every thought was up to him. Aku fikir that's how relationsip were supposed to be. Bila fikir balik relationship tu, it was beautiful but also scary. Secara tak sedar, I had lost myself in him. I cared him more than I cared about myself. Obviously, that's not a healthy relationship ye kawan-kawan.

And when it ended, I was left with just myself. Betapa remuknya hati masa tu Tuhan je tahu. I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know how to control my feelings. Macam mana nak biasakan diri with just me. Without him anymore.

It took a long time for me to love myself without a guy loving me too. It took months and almost a year to recover, to just accept the truth. Then I finally healed (aku rasalah, not 100% but much better than before). I grew up stronger and I swore that I never do that again. I never wanted to lose myself in someone else again. I never wanted so attached to someone, that without them I would fall apart. Sekarang orang cakap aku ni memilih la, playing hard to get, jual mahal la, aku tak kesah pun. Sebab aku dah alami rasa sakit remuk jiwa tu dan aku taknak berulang lagi. Aku kecewa nanti pun bukan korang yang hadap, aku kena hadap sendiri so ada baiknya aku lebih berhati-hai sekarang. Urusan jodoh aku serahkan pada yang Maha Kuasa.

I am me, without needing anyone else to make me smile. And you too girls. Kita semua boleh membahagiakan diri sendiri. We are capable to live a full life without someone holding our hand every step of the way. Kerana Tuhan itu ada, Bergantung harap pada manusia ni selalunya berakhir dengan kecewa.

Girls, put your shoes on now, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "begini pun cukup". You shine without needing a diamond ring on your finger. You shine yourself, without needing someone else, isn't it cool haaa? And that's how it should be.

You need to put yourself first. Because at the end of the day, you are going to leave this earth by yourself. Mati nanti pun sensorang kan? So mulai dari sekarang, belajar jadi bestfriend kepada diri sendiri, mentor diri sendiri, pakar terapi untuk diri sendiri dan hero diri sendiri. Ini bukan gila or syok sendiri ye, but as I mentioned before, to lessen our hope terhadap manusia. Because a man isn't going to save you, to magically makes you happy. That's all up to you.

Jump without being scared of falling, climb the mountain, go out and live your life instead of waiting someone to make you happy.

Kenapa bazirkan masa dihadapan pintu, menunggu seseorang bukakan pintu tu kalau kita boleh buka sendiri pintu tu. Open the door for yourself and go out, experience what it's like to take a walk alone. Trust me, it's not that bad go out alone. Kita akan rasa bebas sangat buat apa yang kita suka. Yang sebelum ni mungkin terbatas bila keluar dengan seorang lelaki. Enjoy yourself and you will be surprised by the new things and new people who might come into your life.

Stop waiting and wishing. Start building up your life to begin again.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Even you broke my heart, you still the person I love to write about

Friday, November 9, 2018 November 09, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I clearly remember what you said, that you wanted me to stay in your life. you promised that no matter happen you will always stay by my side. And I couldn't imagine if I lose you, I couldn't imagine my life without you. I couldn't imagine how my feelings if you left.

I remember every single moment that we had together. I remember everything about you.
Tell me, how could I forget you... a part of my life, that was once special to my heart?

Di mana dan apa saja keadaan akan datang, aku percaya yang aku masih akan terus mengingati dia. I don't think I will ever forget him. Even now we lost each other and our relationship was short-lived, I don't think I can forget you. It's been two years, tapi perasaan tu masih tak dapat dibuang.

You will always be my favorite person to write about. Aku menulis semula setelah setahun tinggalkan blog ni sebab dia. Aku menulis sebab dengan cara ni aku dapat meluahkan. Our love story will always be the story that I love to tell people.

And you will always be the best thing that I have to set free.

Melepaskanmuuuu, bukan mudah bagiku untuk melalui semua ini :'(

As for now, aku perlahan-lahan cuba terima yang tiada jodoh antara kita. Tuhan sedang persiapkan yang terbaik untuk kita berdua, sesuatu yang masih menjadi rahsia Tuhan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak ditakdirkan dengan dia. Although it's heartbreaking to know that it's not you that I'm going to spend my life with, I'm still trying my best to be happy. Happy for you and happy for both of us.

I am trying so hard to distance myself from you, hoping that it’s going to be an easy healing for me. I am not gonna imagine how come you are so happy and how settled your life while I am here putting my broken pieces together.

I know that I am strong enough to kill this sadness.

Aku percaya yang masa akan memulihkan segala duka ni. Aku percaya yang satu hari nanti akan ada sinar bahagia. I will meet someone who's going to fill my life with love better than you did. I believe that few years from now, I still remember you but I will no longer remember the feelings that you gave. Perlahan-lahan rasa cinta itu lenyap bersama masa. One day I hope I will understand why Allah didn't make us together, forever.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Toxic relationship

Thursday, November 1, 2018 November 01, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Aku pernah berada dalam fasa yang aku kena jadi perfect untuk someone. I've tried so hard to be the person that's perfect for him. that suit him. But still, I'm not good, not pretty enough. Haha ! Kadang terlampau penat nak kejar expectation someone, terasa macam nak angkat kaki je.

Aku pernah juga berada dalam fasa digantung tak bertali. Sepatutnya masa ni aku dah sedar, yang dia tak ada effort pun nak perbaiki hubungan. Kalau dia betul sayangkan aku, dia akan fight bukan lari or biarkan relationship tergantung macam tu. I'm too attached to leave, but too exhausted to stay. I found myself so hard to move on because of the memories. That's why I keep waiting for that person. Sakit pon sakitlah, tetap nak tunggu.

Aku juga pernah berada dalam fasa sentiasa memaafkan dan terima semula. Selepas relationship berakhir, selalunya aku yang broken teruk while they look so happy with a new life, new partner. Lepas beberapa ketika aku dah mula terima perpisahan tu, they came look for an apology. Sebab aku fikir kebahagiaan aku masih pada mereka, jadi aku maafkan, kutip dan cantum semula perasaan tu. I keep giving them apologize to maintain the bond we shared, the memories that we held, while ignore the broken pieces of myself. Tapi biasalah, if the relationship are meant to be, it will never slipped away. Going back to a broken relationship never works.

Dan banyak lagi fasa yang tak seronok dalam relationship. Well actually we deserve more. More than that.

Kita deserve someone yang buat kita rasa dihargai, someone who means what they say, yang pegang pada janji, we deserve someone who make us feel love every moment. Once kita rasa hubungan tu macam satu paksaan, paksa diri untuk stay, paksa diri untuk muat dalam ruang hati dia sedangkan dia slowly push kita, then it's not a healthy relationhsip.

And I realize that the more time we waste on the people who don't deserve our love, mean the less time we have with people that do. Kita bagi full attention dekat someone yang dah tak peduli kita, hingga kita tak nampak someone yang always there for us.

So sesiapa yang sedang berada dalam toxic relationship, know where you stand. Selalu kita yang perempuan ni memang susah nak angkat kaki. But remember that the pain of leaving less hurt than prolonged pain that we get if we keep staying and hanging. Because, being in love isn't supposed to hurt.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Different people, different ways to heal

Monday, October 22, 2018 October 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

IT TAKES HALF THE TOTAL TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE TO GET OVER THEM

Haaa cuba bayangkan lama mana omputih anggarkan untuk kita get over someone after break up. Kalau yang jenis sebulan sampai namploh kali dating tu, cuba bayangkan kalau setahun dah berapa kali? Jenis pulak sekali dating sampai 22 jam.. matilanakkkk nak melupakan tu. Haha ! It takes half the total time okay... Tapi sebenarnya tak boleh jugak nak tentukan jangka masa untuk move on tu.

Your heart just doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work that way.

Ada orang cakap "alahhhh aku dulu seminggu je dah okay". Jangan kita rasa tak normal bila melebihi tempoh yang orang kata tu. It might works with them, but not with you. Different people, different ways to heal. Seminggu, sebulan, setahun atau lebih dari tu, it's ultimately up to you and time.

I've got so many question after break up years ago. Orang tanya aku "macam mana sekarang" "dah move on ke?" "kalau dia dengan orang lain kau okay tak?" Truth be told, I don't know how to answer those questions. Sebab sampai sekarang aku masih tengah nak figure out macam mana nak lupakan and terima semua ni. Aku tak menolak takdir, aku tahu dah takde jodoh, tapi tu lah.. mungkin masih tak boleh lupakan kenangan.

To be honest, I'm still in healing process. It's been two year after our first break up (putus sambung putus sambung). Sampai sekarang rasa macam tak percaya we're crashed, we're over. And I can't believe that somone can be perfectly fine after that 'storm'. Are you not affected? Sikit pun tak? You know how much it hurts me?

I can’t just bounce back up right away.

But then I realized that luka ni dah tak sebesar dulu. As time passes, as your heart starts to stitch itself back together, we will learn how to cope with the pain. It's not that luka tu hilang sendiri macam tu je, but we're cope with it. Because that pain never go. Kita cuma dah terbiasa. As time passes, it's not so much pain because we're just reminiscing the memories. And as time passes, I believe that the hurt, the pain will become less. It's going to bloom into something better InsyaAllah.

I should be grateful for the love that we felt. Walaupun sementara. Ya, cinta yang lepas tu tinggalkan sakit. But I'm so grateful that I know my heart has the ability to love that strongly. To feel that much. To love unconditionally.

And even though it's hurt, I'm going to be okay. I still surviving and breathing. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I feel like shit now, it’s going to get better. I'm going to grow. I'm going to get stronger :')

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Masih rindu

Friday, May 11, 2018 May 11, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masih rindu. Tapi kali ni bukan rindu yang menyakitkan, bukan rindu sampai menangis tiap malam, bukan rindu yang membuatkan I scroll your Instagram profile dengan tangan yang bergetar, looking at your pictures - happy without me. Bukan lagi rindu yang sasau, yang kalau boleh nak panjat bukit and jerit sekuat hati. Bukan rindu yang membuatkan I hadap phone waiting your text 24/7. No, I don't miss you like that anymore. Missing you is no longer painful. Instead, I miss you now peacefully.

Masih rindu. Tapi rindu yang hanya rindu. Whenever I go hanging at the mall we used to date, I can still see "us" di setiap pelusuk mall, jalan tanpa arah tujuan. I miss you when I heard the song you always wrongly sing, I selalu marah you kalau you nyanyi lagu dengan confident tapi salah. I miss you when I pass by the roads we often taken when we go date. You know? Rindu yang macam tu. Rindu kenangan kita berdua.

I miss you in things around me. Perkara sekeliling yang berkait dengan kita dulu membawa kepada rindu itu.

I do miss you, but I know I won’t have you anymore. I can't reverse time. You now lives somewhere in the narrow alleys of my past.

It’s been a year now, and I still dare to say I miss you, and I realized that no matter how much time will pass and where we'll be, I'll always miss you. But don't worry, I miss you in peacefully :)

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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25 and not married yet and I'm okay

Thursday, February 22, 2018 February 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masa umur belasan tahun dulu, I always have a thought that by 20, I met the right guy, who swipe away all of cinta monyet, and I believed by 25 I would already married. But as life always comes with surprise and turnarounds, takdir tak membawa aku kepada jalan cerita yang aku create sewaktu aku remaja.

After my first big love relationship ended, I just stay still, not make a move to be in a relationship again. Because the feeling being hurt is still there. Tapi, aku tak nafikan, berada dalam hubungan mengajar aku banyak perkara. It's more than just going on dates. It's an experience. Hubungan yang lepas dah buat aku matang, ajar aku tolak ansur (paling failed bab ni). Sebenarnya, untuk sesuatu hubungan yang tak berhasil tu, kita tahu mesti ada kekurangan baik di pihak dia ataupun di pihak kita. So it's a point to learn more about myself, and how to settle it.

Now I think, I'm only 25. I have still much more to do, much more to see, much more to explore, much more to learn. So why should I be looking for a man to marry now? Of course setiap orang tak sama. Ada yang lagi muda but ten times more mature than me and dah ada jodoh untuk kahwin, so yahhh kahwin lah anda.

For me, 25 is still young to know wether or not I could spend the rest of my life with one person. Orang kata perkahwinan tu satu perjudian yang kita tak tahu berjaya atau tidak, so for me, it's still early to step my foot dalam alam rumahtangga ni. Of course, I want to get married in the future, having a family, being a wonderful wife and supermom. And who knows, maybe my soulmate will show up tomorrow.

I'm not saying that I'm against being in a relationship, I'm not saying that everyone should stay single, but I would rather wait than to rush it. I just want to enjoy some time on my own first. I want to be my best self before I found "the one".

For now, I should work on myself, for myself and by myself. And I'm okay with that.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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Failed

Monday, February 12, 2018 February 12, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I keep rereading our old texts, because I can't force myself to delete them. Kalau delete, like officially letting you go.. and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to erase every trace of your existence. I know, I should probably done with you now, but I refuse to act like our relationship never happened, I refuse to forget the way you made me feel. I just don't want !

I keep rereading our old texts, because I'm hoping that I find clues about why you act like that.. I'm searching for jawapan kepada setiap persoalan tentang retaknya hubungan kita, for a reason why you hurt me.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I miss you more than I can bear. I know I can't text you, so scrolling and reading our old messages is the best thing I can do :') Ini cara for me to feel close to you, even though you're far away. It's like everything is okay.

I keep rereading our old texts, because there's part of me yang beranggapan you're going come back one day. So I don't want to erase our old conversations, mana lah tahu nanti kita boleh tengok balik in future and laugh together?

I keep rereading our old texts, because they are reminder we really had something before. It wasn't all in my head. The texts, it's a prove that you had feelings for me too. It's not like bertepuk sebelah tangan. It's wasn't one-sided love.

And last,

I keep rereading our old texts, because I torture myself. I listen to sad songs and every single of lyrics remind me of you. I replay our memories over and over again when I get the chance. Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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We're over.

Thursday, February 1, 2018 February 01, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Kita semua ada perasaan yang kita tak boleh nak brush off no matter how hard we've trying. I have one. I always thinking that you still love me, and at the same time I have a feeling that I'm not enough for you. And I keep blaming you for falling in love with another girl. Entahlah, that time I'm not angry, I just feel pain.

A part of me always felt yours, thinking I'm still yours,, and that's a word I hate to use. Even now, after blocking and walking away, masih ada something yang belum selesai. All day I thought about the countless things I always wanted to tell you but I never could. Tak tahu macam mana cara nak terus terang, plus I know it would be pointless. But I can't stop thinking them, feeling them. And yes, I once again break promises to myself - for not writing about you anymore :')

Kita mungkin takkan pernah berjumpa dan berhubung lagi, and maybe my words will never reach you, but in case if you're stalking me, in case you're reading this... I have to write this.

I loved you. You've always been there - in my mind. I loved you since the day we'd exchange our phone number.. A feelings that I can't describe. I'm so happy. A part of me will always loves you.

A part of me also hates you.. because you always told me that you loved me and how much you dreamed about being with me, you ruined it by telling me how you couldn't hurt her. You spit out the most beautiful words and the most painful words too. I hate you because I'm writing about you once again.

If you reading this, I miss you. Rindu yang terpaksa dipendam, sebab kalau diluahkan pun, tak berbalas. There's been so many times I've wanted to text you, to call you, but I can't. I'm not lost my love, but also my friend.. I miss how I ask for your advice, how we shared our thoughts on something, and I think that's the part I'll miss the most. I miss being friend with you.

Sebelum ni pun, when we still in a relationship, I always knew that there would come a point where I wouldn't have you in my life anymore, where I will lost you. It hurts. And I never thought I lost you so soon..

I'm hoping there will come a tomorrow where I miss you a little less. I'm hoping there comes a day I go on a date and you don't cross my mind. I hope the next time I place my heart in the hands of someone, it will remove that small part that used to have your name.. that your name will no longer be on it.

I miss you. But I want you to know, I'm working on not being yours anymore.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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I will stay single

Wednesday, January 31, 2018 January 31, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Maybe I have to stop asking why everything went wrong... and just accept a fact that it did. Went wrong in my eyes but a perfect plan from Allah.

After going through all of this, you've taught me that I really don't love myself fully. Because if I did, I wouldn't let you come into my life twice and wreck it both times like you did.

Also, you've taught me that giving peluang kedua isn't always the best decision. Sebab, if someone does it once, they'll do it again. Manusia tak berubah dengan sendirinya, unless they want to.

Through your attempt to hurt me, dalam masa yang sama you've taught me.. a lot. I'm thankful for that.

Now I'm giving myself space, belajar mencintai diri sendiri. Fuhh susah juga sebenarnya nak cinta diri sendiri ni. Sebab selama ni buta, asyik cinta asyik sayang orang lain je, penuh pengorbanan sampai ketepikan perasaan sendiri, sakitkan hati sendiri.

Honestly, I don't know how long it takes to heal my feelings.. but until that time, I will stay single.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

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