Thursday, February 22, 2018

25 and not married yet and I'm okay

Masa umur belasan tahun dulu, I always have a thought that by 20, I met the right guy, who swipe away all of cinta monyet, and I believed by 25 I would already married. But as life always comes with surprise and turnarounds, takdir tak membawa aku kepada jalan cerita yang aku create sewaktu aku remaja.
After my first big love relationship ended, I just stay still, not make a move to be in a relationship again. Because the feeling being hurt is still there. Tapi, being in a relationship taught me a lot. It's more than just going on dates. It's an experience. Untuk sesuatu hubungan yang tak berhasil tu, kita tahu must be lack thereof, so it's a point to learn more about myself, and how to settle it.
I'm only 25. I have still much more to do, much more to see, much more to explore, much more to learn. So why should I be looking for a man to marry now? Of course setiap orang tak sama. Ada yang lagi muda but ten times more mature than me and dah ada jodoh untuk kahwin, so yahhh kahwin lah anda. 
For me, 25 is still young to know wether or not I could spend the rest of my life with one person. Orang kata perkahwinan tu satu perjudian yang kita tak tahu berjaya atau tidak, so for me, it's still early to step my foot dalam alam rumahtangga ni. Of course, I want to get married in the future, having a family, being a wonderful wife and supermom. And who knows, maybe my soulmate will show up tomorrow. 
I'm not saying that I'm against being in a relationship, I'm not saying that everyone should stay single, but I would rather wait than to rush it. I just want to enjoy some time on my own first, get to know myself dengan lebih mendalam. I want to be my best self before I found "the one". 
For now, I should work on myself, for myself and by myself. And I'm okay with that.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I can't force myself to delete them. Kalau delete, like officially letting you go.. and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to erase every trace of your existence. I know, I should probably done with you now, but I refuse to act like our relationship never happened, I refuse to forget the way you made me feel. I just don't want !

I keep rereading our old texts, because I'm hoping that I find clues about why you act like that.. I'm searching for jawapan kepada setiap persoalan tentang retaknya hubungan kita, for a reason why you hurt me.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I miss you more than I can bear. I know I can't text you, so scrolling and reading our old messages is the best thing I can do :') Ini cara for me to feel close to you, even though you're far away. It's like everything is okay.

I keep rereading our old texts, because  there's part of me yang beranggapan you're going come back one day. So I don't want to erase our old conversations, mana lah tahu nanti kita boleh tengok balik in future and laugh together?

I keep rereading our old texts, because they are reminder we really had something before. It wasn't all in my head. The texts, it's a prove that you had feelings for me too. It's not like bertepuk sebelah tangan. It's wasn't one-sided love.

And last,

I keep rereading our old texts, because I torture myself. I listen to sad songs and every single of lyrics remind me of you. I replay our memories over and over again when I get the chance. Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Not being yours anymore

Kita  semua ada perasaan yang kita tak boleh nak brush off no matter how hard we've trying. I have one. I always thinking that you still love me, and at the same time I have a feeling that I'm not enough for you. And I keep blaming you for falling in love with another girl. Entahlah, that time I'm not angry, I just feel pain.

A part of me always felt yours, thinking I'm still yours,, and that's a word I hate to use. Even now, after blocking and walking away, masih ada something yang belum selesai. All day I thought about the countless things I always wanted to tell you but I never could. Tak tahu macam mana cara nak terus terang, plus I know it would be pointless. But I can't stop thinking them, feeling them. And yes, I once again break promises to myself - for not writing about you anymore :')

Kita mungkin takkan pernah berjumpa dan berhubung lagi, and maybe my words will never reach you, but in case if you're stalking me, in case you're reading this... I have to write this.

I loved you. You've always been there - in my mind. I loved you since the day we'd exchange our phone number.. A feelings that I can't describe. I'm so happy. A part of me will always loves you.

A part of me also hates you.. because you always told me that you loved me and how much you dreamed about being with me, you ruined it by telling me how you couldn't hurt her. You spit out the most beautiful words and the most painful words too. I hate you because I'm writing about you once again.

If you reading this, I miss you. Rindu yang terpaksa dipendam, sebab kalau diluahkan pun, tak berbalas. There's been so many times I've wanted to text you, to call you, but I can't. I'm not lost my love, but also my friend.. I miss how I ask for your advice, how we shared our thoughts on something, and I think that's the part I'll miss the most. I miss being friend with you.

Sebelum ni pun, when we still in a relationship, I always knew that there would come a point where I wouldn't have you in my life anymore, where I will lost you. It hurts. And I never thought I lost you so soon..

I'm hoping there will come a tomorrow where I miss you a little less. I'm hoping there comes a day I go on a date and you don't cross my mind. I hope the next time I place my heart in the hands of someone, it will remove that small part that used to have your name.. that your name will no longer be on it.

I miss you. But I want you to know, I'm working on not being yours anymore.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

I will stay single

Maybe I have to stop asking why everything went wrong... and just accept a fact that it did. Went wrong in my eyes but a perfect plan from Allah.

After going through all of this, you've taught me that I really don't love myself fully. Because if I did, I wouldn't let you come into my life twice and wreck it both times like you did.

Also, you've taught me that giving peluang kedua isn't always the best decision. Sebab, if someone does it once, they'll do it again. Manusia tak berubah dengan sendirinya, unless they want to.

Through your attempt to hurt me, dalam masa yang sama you've taught me.. a lot. I'm thankful for that.

Now I'm giving myself space, belajar mencintai diri sendiri. Fuhh susah juga sebenarnya nak cinta diri sendiri ni. Sebab selama ni buta, asyik cinta sayang orang lain je, penuh pengorbanan sampai ketepikan perasaan sendiri, sakitkan hati sendiri.

Honestly, I don't know how long it takes to heal my feelings.. but until that time, I will stay single.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

You just let me go

All I asked was for you - to fight for me - to tell me the truth when you felt something was wrong - for you to just be honest with how you felt about me.
I loved who we were back then. I loved how we fit into one another’s arms. 
Sometimes I want to get back to how we used to be. To get back to the beginning of our love story. To get back to July 2015. To get back to where we were. At the start. To get back just to see your smiles and glances. Because it's precious.
I want to go back to the night, where all I did was listen to your bebelan, your rungutan, your story, your nyanyian yang always salah lirik. I want to go back when just being with one another was enough. You and me, cukup. 
And then, I want to go back to when things got tough. Bila something happened to our relationship and it's cracks. To when things were awkward and weird and uncomfortable. I want to go back to when neither of us had answers. To the moment when we had a silence more than words. To when we didn’t have words to describe how we were feeling. To the moment when we had more pauses than conversations. To when everything was going wrong, and we didn’t even know why. 
Kenapa nak kembali pada waktu yang menyakitkan tu? Because I want to know, what were you thinking.. and I want to have the courage to question you, siapa aku di mata kau? Apa arah hubungan kita? 
Sampai saat ni, I kept questions myself – was I not enough for you? Is it my fault? 
But then I have to remind myself how it all blew up. Oh yaa, it was you. It wasn't me. 
You were the one who didn’t fight for me. You were the one who didn’t try. To try to make it better. Segala peluang aku buka untuk kita baiki hubungan, I gave you every second to tell me what you wanted. To tell me what you needed. But you stayed with your lips sealed. Dan akhirnya, aku yang sakit. Aku yang terpaksa pendam rasa tu.

And then it was all over. 

I gave up. I gave up when I needed you the most but you wasn't here. I gave up when I loved you the most but you don't feel the same. I gave up on 'us' after soooo long hanging on. 
And for the last time, you don't even trying to stop me. You.... just... let... me... go...

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

So often we met people and life seems to be going so well, but we all know nothing lasts forever. Semakin kuat kita bertahan pada hubungan yang gagal, semakin kita hilang kebahagiaan diri. I know it takes strength to move on. Bukan mudah melupakan semuanya.

But why some people go back to the broken relationships? Kita lagi memilih untuk struggle dengan hubungan lama berbanding step out and move on. Yes, susah untuk sesetengah dari kita give up macam tu je, mungkin kita takut tak jumpa orang yang lebih baik dari dia.

He cheated, she cried.
He apologized, she took him back, he cheated again.
This just seemed to be the cycle of your relationship. Why do people go back to situation like that? Dalam hubungan sebegini, segala yang wujud adalah pembohongan dan pengkhianatan semata-mata.

So, don't go back. Ada sebabnya kenapa sesebuah hubungan tu not working. Going back to broken relationships are just ; walking back to broken pieces. You will never be able to move forward.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

The moment of temporary weakness

I really miss him :(

Everything just reminds me of him. The places that we used to go, the conversation that we had, the memories both of us that I still can't let go. I'm so tired. Because I've tried my best, yet it is just not good enough.

Everyday I pack my days with so many activities, even in weekend, saja sibukkan diri so that I'm not lonely. But somehow, bila malam, duduk sorang-sorang, still teringat kenangan lepas. Kadang rasa penat dah cuba macam-macam  but end up, all I want is talk to you again. Kadang dah hampir lupa how you hurt me so much, because I only remember our good time together. I wish I could give anything to go back. But I know, I shouldn't go back.

I know, this is just a temporary weakness. It will pass, as it always will. Going back to him takkan merubah apa-apa. He's still the person he is, because time won't change him. I'm probably insane expecting different results.. sebab tiga kali cuba, tiga kali jugak gagal. And it hurts you know, facing the same pain numerous times. And also, it's heartbreaking to break your own heart for someone who is unable to give you the love you deserve.

It's okay to miss him, normal lah kalau rasa macam tu. But I have to accept that whatever went down between me and him, it should stay in the past. If I'm going backwards, it just delay my healing process and it would reopen my luka lama. If I refuse to let go of the past, I will probably unable to cherish my present. I will only making my life harder than it has to be.