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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

You just let me go

All I asked was for you - to fight for me - to tell me the truth when you felt something was wrong - for you to just be honest with how you felt about me.
I loved who we were back then. I loved how we fit into one another’s arms. 
Sometimes I want to get back to how we used to be. To get back to the beginning of our love story. To get back to July 2015. To get back to where we were. At the start. To get back just to see your smiles and glances. Because it's precious.
I want to go back to the night, where all I did was listen to your bebelan, your rungutan, your story, your nyanyian yang always salah lirik. I want to go back when just being with one another was enough. You and me, cukup. 
And then, I want to go back to when things got tough. Bila something happened to our relationship and it's cracks. To when things were awkward and weird and uncomfortable. I want to go back to when neither of us had answers. To the moment when we had a silence more than words. To when we didn’t have words to describe how we were feeling. To the moment when we had more pauses than conversations. To when everything was going wrong, and we didn’t even know why. 
Kenapa nak kembali pada waktu yang menyakitkan tu? Because I want to know, what were you thinking.. and I want to have the courage to question you, siapa aku di mata kau? Apa arah hubungan kita? 
Sampai saat ni, I kept questions myself – was I not enough for you? Is it my fault? 
But then I have to remind myself how it all blew up. Oh yaa, it was you. It wasn't me. 
You were the one who didn’t fight for me. You were the one who didn’t try. To try to make it better. Segala peluang aku buka untuk kita baiki hubungan, I gave you every second to tell me what you wanted. To tell me what you needed. But you stayed with your lips sealed. Dan akhirnya, aku yang sakit. Aku yang terpaksa pendam rasa tu.

And then it was all over. 

I gave up. I gave up when I needed you the most but you wasn't here. I gave up when I loved you the most but you don't feel the same. I gave up on 'us' after soooo long hanging on. 
And for the last time, you don't even trying to stop me. You.... just... let... me... go...

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

So often we met people and life seems to be going so well, but we all know nothing lasts forever. Semakin kuat kita bertahan pada hubungan yang gagal, semakin kita hilang kebahagiaan diri. I know it takes strength to move on. Bukan mudah melupakan semuanya.

But why some people go back to the broken relationships? Kita lagi memilih untuk struggle dengan hubungan lama berbanding step out and move on. Yes, susah untuk sesetengah dari kita give up macam tu je, mungkin kita takut tak jumpa orang yang lebih baik dari dia.

He cheated, she cried.
He apologized, she took him back, he cheated again.
This just seemed to be the cycle of your relationship. Why do people go back to situation like that? Dalam hubungan sebegini, segala yang wujud adalah pembohongan dan pengkhianatan semata-mata.

So, don't go back. Ada sebabnya kenapa sesebuah hubungan tu not working. Going back to broken relationships are just ; walking back to broken pieces. You will never be able to move forward.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

The moment of temporary weakness

I really miss him :(

Everything just reminds me of him. The places that we used to go, the conversation that we had, the memories both of us that I still can't let go. I'm so tired. Because I've tried my best, yet it is just not good enough.

Everyday I pack my days with so many activities, even in weekend, saja sibukkan diri so that I'm not lonely. But somehow, bila malam, duduk sorang-sorang, still teringat kenangan lepas. Kadang rasa penat dah cuba macam-macam  but end up, all I want is talk to you again. Kadang dah hampir lupa how you hurt me so much, because I only remember our good time together. I wish I could give anything to go back. But I know, I shouldn't go back.

I know, this is just a temporary weakness. It will pass, as it always will. Going back to him takkan merubah apa-apa. He's still the person he is, because time won't change him. I'm probably insane expecting different results.. sebab tiga kali cuba, tiga kali jugak gagal. And it hurts you know, facing the same pain numerous times. And also, it's heartbreaking to break your own heart for someone who is unable to give you the love you deserve.

It's okay to miss him, normal lah kalau rasa macam tu. But I have to accept that whatever went down between me and him, it should stay in the past. If I'm going backwards, it just delay my healing process and it would reopen my luka lama. If I refuse to let go of the past, I will probably unable to cherish my present. I will only making my life harder than it has to be.

DON'T LOVE SOMEONE TO THE POINT OF HATING YOURSELF. DON'T CLING ONTO THE PAST SO TIGHTLY. DON'T GO BACK TO WHAT HAD HURT YOU SO MANY TIMES - syifa

Friday, October 20, 2017

I wish....

I wish there was a way to forget all the memories we shared. All the places we went, all the laughs we shared together, I wish I could forget it because it haunt me always. Sekarang, tiap kali lalu dekat tempat-tempat dating kita, it hurts and breaks me :( Kenapa kenangan tu segar sangat dalam minda, I wish I could forget it, but in fact, I can't get away from it. It's like I'm living in a nightmare, because every corner reminds me of you.

I can't stop remembering every single detail about you, setiap perkara, baik kecil atau besar tentang kita semua masih segar dalam ingatan. Your smile, your giggles, the way you walk, the way you eat, the way your eyes staring at me, the way you look at me and smile :( It's constant memory of what I don't have anymore. Faham tak rasa pedih tu macam mana? When he's so close but yet so far from you.

I wish to forget. How I wish I could make new memories dengan someone else. Bukannya hanya mengharapkan kita dapat ulang that memories. But I can't :( Yes, I wish so many things, but most of all, I wish you loved me back.
Nasihat buat yang baru putus cinta. Maybe this goes against nasihat-nasihat yang pernah korang dengar untuk move on. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but nahhh, this is from my point of view kayyy.

I'm someone who is on speaking terms with my ex. I'm close and be friends with guy who I ever cared about tapi he's did not feel the same way (friendzoned haha). But I don't believe in removing someone from your life hanya sebab mereka tak membalas kasih/cinta anda - they don't feel the same way or their feelings changed, dulu sayang sekarang tak lagi. Ramai yang bagi pesanan "move on lahh, buang dia jauh-jauh, block all the social media". But then I will lose two types of people, someone I love and a friend too. Cukuplah bila dah takde jodoh tu aku hilang kekasih je. Tapi aku still boleh anggap dia sebagai kawan (sebelum bercinta pon memang asalnya berkawan).

I do think ada cara lain lagi to get over people, untuk move on but still have them in my life. Tak perlu buang, tak perlu campak jauh. Orang cakap "you patut let him go.. totally !, you'll never heal kalau masih contact dia lagi, pretend that he didn't exist in your life" Fuhhhh -

Aku dah cuba, dah buat.. but removing someone out of your life doesn't mean they'll got removed easily from your heart. Delete contact number dia, block dia, but then dalam hati? So why make it harder for yourself? Behind every jiwang-jiwang or percintaan korang dulu, secara tak langsung you've developed a friendship. Don't lose that !

Rejection or a break up, you'll probably cry yourself until fall asleep (been there done that before). You'll be upset for a little while but then korang akan sedar yang korang anggap dia antara insan yang terpenting dalam hidup. Because when you love someone, like betul-betul sayang, korang akan pilih untuk kekalkan dia dalam hidup korang - whatever form fits them. Tak semestinya bila dah break up korang terus buang macam tu je, padahal bukan ke korang anggap dia tu penting?  So if your relationship never work out, why not turn it into friendship. 

I want to built a relationship with people who know me well. Even kisah kita, it's the love story yang I thought would end in happily ever after but it's not happen. Even dia adalah orang yang aku sayang tapi tak mampu menyayangi aku, that's okay.  There is something to be said about two people who continue to fight for each other even after things have not gone accordingly, there is a RESPECT.

A respect for me because forgiving them for hurting me,
A respect I had for myself being that strong.
Because it does make you stronger.

Kita sering dimomokkan dengan cakap-cakap orang "not hurting yourself more by keeping them in your life, kenapa sakitkan hati masih berkawan or berhubung dengan ex" So we tend to let go of relationship that means a lot because we think it's for the best. *sigh*

Tapi aku percaya there's something beautiful getting over someone without having to lose them. Macam putus cinta tapi still berkawan. It might take a little longer, untuk tukar perasaan, untuk sesuaikan diri, untuk redha dengan semua but that's okay. Bayangkan, you're laughing at a mamak restaurant about how much you've been through together.

Proses getting over someone or move on isn't easy. There's always going to be a piece of you masih sayang dia, tapi biarkan sayang tu mengalir, sebagai kawan. Mereka pon masih sayang kita, maybe not the way we wanted, but they love you the best way they know.

SOMETIMES LOVE DOESN'T COME IN THE FORM WE WANT IT TO ALL THE TIME, BUT SOMETIMES YOU FIND AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LATER WITH THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO HURT YOU BEFORE :)


Mungkin bukan kali ini..

Right now, I am here - without you. Untuk kali ini, aku ajar hati supaya okay dengan keadaan begini. Right now, I am learning that it is okay to stop fighting, it is okay to let things be. Mungkin di masa akan datang, kita bahagia. You and I. We are happy together. This time, I am taking all the trips we planned alone. This time, I am healing, I am growing, I am stretching into the space you used to occupy in my life. This time, I am moving on biarpun nampak tempang, biarpun dalam perjalanan ke depan seperti rasa sesuatu tertinggal di belakang. This time, I am setting you free.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Come back if you get a chance

I hope she makes you smile, bigger than I could.
I hope she takes care of you in ways I couldn't.
I hope she fills the void I refused to fill for so long.
I hope she's everything I'm not.

Well.. no ! I don't

Deep down I'm hoping it doesn't work out.
I'm hoping she messes up.

And come back if you get a chance. I'll be here. Always.
SINGLE OHSEMMM, MAYBE ?.
 
Atas