Syifa

Syifa

Friday, January 4, 2019 January 04, 2019 | 0 Comment(s)

I remember seeing you two months after break up, and I still remember the feeling, macam ada satu panah tembus tertusuk ke hati (macam la pernah kena panah?) I don't know how to describe feelings masa tu, happy dan dalam masa yang sama, a rush of sadness, anger, dan segala nostalgia hit me at once. Get it? Celaru gila feelings masa tu.

I wanted nothing more than for you to come closer, I wanted you to tell me yang semua berlaku salah faham, and you regret that, I wanted to hear that you missed me cause I missed you so bad, but we just stayed quiet for a few moment.

And now after two years, how can I still remember every details of that day? Malam tu, kita berdua banyak diam. Aku lempar pandangan luar tingkap sambil menghayati bait lagu yang kedengaran, dan kerana terlalu menghayati, aku tak sedar yang air mata jatuh. Dan sampai sekarang tiap kali dengar lagu tu, it brings back the memories - Once - Dealova.

You asked me to stop cry, Tuhan je tahu betapa aku meraung dalam hati, kenapa semua ni jadi, we were just fine before, kenapa kau pilih untuk tipu aku, kenapa kau tergamak ada hubungan dengan perempuan lain, semua tu aku rasa nak penjelasan malam tu, aku dah rabak sangat tanggung luka. And you just said it was a mistake, without further explanation. Kau minta peluang untuk betulkan keadaan. Senang kan?

Sebab sayang I gave you a second chance. Aku cuba buang kenyataan yang kau pernah curang, aku cuma nak kita macam dulu. But then, you acted like you don't need me, you don't want me anymore. You acted like it was my fault. Setiap hari aku menangis, buntu, nak pergi hati masih sayang, tapi terlalu sakit nak teruskan. Then aku cuba, cuba je luahkan semua dan berterus terang yang aku dah penat berjuang seorang, dengan harapan ada halangan dari kau. Percayalah, kalau sekali je kau halang aku untuk pergi, aku memang takkan pergi. Atau kalau pun aku memang dah pergi, dan bila-bila kau sedar kau perlukan aku, I'll always open the door for you.

It took me a long time to see that I would be okay without you. But sometimes, I still miss you. There just less sadness behind it. I still hope that you'll walk through that door, but a big part of me has accepted that you probably won't.

Labels: 2019, goodbyelove

Friday, December 28, 2018 December 28, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I already know all the reasons why I haven't forgiven him, even it's been a long time since we've broke up, even years. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just holding onto the grudge too long. But the feeling of betrayal, urghhh, I just can't forget.

Kadang-kadang terdetik juga dalam hati, maybe it's the time to let him go. Maybe it's the time to try forgive him.

Sometimes, we think forgiving is a sign of weakness, when in fact it’s the opposite. Memaafkan tu dah cukup membuktikan we have that strength - strength to let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memaafkan perlu banyak kekuatan untuk usir segala sakit yang dah tertanam dalam hati, untuk buang rasa dendam yang tersimpan sekian lama. So orang yang memaafkan adalah orang yang kuat sebenarnya.

Forgiving him doesn’t mean what he did was okay. It just means that you know you’re bigger than the pain he tried to give to you, you’re stronger than any amount of brokenness he tried to leave you in. You should be proud - finally berjaya loloskan diri dari berdendam dengan kisah lalu, berjaya padamkan amarah, you should be proud that you can do the thing that people struggle to do all their lives.

I'm still struggling on this. Aku tahu kalau aku teruskan berdendam terhadap apa yang dah berlaku, terhadap setiap satu yang pernah melukakan, it's going to destroy me, perhaps even more than what they're did.

One day, I hope you can find a way to forget all the pain, leave it behind and never look back.

And maybe you’re not ready to forgive him yet. That’s okay too.

But one day, I hope we're getting there.

p/s : sebelum ni dah ada entri tentang ni - To forgave what I couldn't forget

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Between happy and sad

Friday, December 21, 2018 December 21, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Aku takdelah nak cakap yang aku ni lonely, tapi I wouldn't say I feel entirely fulfilled either. I'm not bored, but I feel like I need to do something more than what I'm doing. Kekadang waktu cuti tu tak sedar masa berlalu, tahu-tahu je dah bedtime ! Half of my day passes just like that. Pernah tak korang rasa macam tu? That you have to ask yourself, apa je yang aku buat harini? Ada hari yang aku rasa tak connect pun dengan dunia luar, I just float until the next day. Haha !

But I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just float, not doing anything. I want to go out, climb, fall, fail and try to climb again. Teringin jugak rasanya nak jatuh cinta semula, rasa dah lama duduk dalam comfort zone yang mana aku tutup hati untuk kenal dengan sesiapa pun. I don't even give a try sebab takut kecewa lagi. I want to fall madly in love with my life and with someone else. I don’t want to remain so numb to the world.

Aku nak rasa bermakna kembali. Sekarang still a bit confuse, tak happy tapi tak jugak sedih. My heart isn't broken but it doesn't feel full either. Semuanya berada di tengah. I want to find the meaning in between. Between happy and sad, between lonely and loving.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

No more waiting game

Sunday, November 11, 2018 November 11, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Untuk girls di luar sana yang masih mencari, menanti dan meletak harapan pada "the right man", life is much more than a waiting game. Life is much more than finding a special one. Life is much more than a man.

Back then when I fell in love, I made mistake. Everything that I did, every thought was up to him. Aku fikir that's how relationsip were supposed to be. Bila fikir balik relationship tu, it was beautiful but also scary. Secara tak sedar, I had lost myself in him. I cared him more than I cared about myself. Obviously, that's not a healthy relationship ye kawan-kawan.

And when it ended, I was left with just myself. Betapa remuknya hati masa tu Tuhan je tahu. I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know how to control my feelings. Macam mana nak biasakan diri with just me. Without him anymore.

It took a long time for me to love myself without a guy loving me too. It took months and almost a year to recover, to just accept the truth. Then I finally healed (aku rasalah, not 100% but much better than before). I grew up stronger and I swore that I never do that again. I never wanted to lose myself in someone else again. I never wanted so attached to someone, that without them I would fall apart. Sekarang orang cakap aku ni memilih la, playing hard to get, jual mahal la, aku tak kesah pun. Sebab aku dah alami rasa sakit remuk jiwa tu dan aku taknak berulang lagi. Aku kecewa nanti pun bukan korang yang hadap, aku kena hadap sendiri so ada baiknya aku lebih berhati-hai sekarang. Urusan jodoh aku serahkan pada yang Maha Kuasa.

I am me, without needing anyone else to make me smile. And you too girls. Kita semua boleh membahagiakan diri sendiri. We are capable to live a full life without someone holding our hand every step of the way. Kerana Tuhan itu ada, Bergantung harap pada manusia ni selalunya berakhir dengan kecewa.

Girls, put your shoes on now, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "begini pun cukup". You shine without needing a diamond ring on your finger. You shine yourself, without needing someone else, isn't it cool haaa? And that's how it should be.

You need to put yourself first. Because at the end of the day, you are going to leave this earth by yourself. Mati nanti pun sensorang kan? So mulai dari sekarang, belajar jadi bestfriend kepada diri sendiri, mentor diri sendiri, pakar terapi untuk diri sendiri dan hero diri sendiri. Ini bukan gila or syok sendiri ye, but as I mentioned before, to lessen our hope terhadap manusia. Because a man isn't going to save you, to magically makes you happy. That's all up to you.

Jump without being scared of falling, climb the mountain, go out and live your life instead of waiting someone to make you happy.

Kenapa bazirkan masa dihadapan pintu, menunggu seseorang bukakan pintu tu kalau kita boleh buka sendiri pintu tu. Open the door for yourself and go out, experience what it's like to take a walk alone. Trust me, it's not that bad go out alone. Kita akan rasa bebas sangat buat apa yang kita suka. Yang sebelum ni mungkin terbatas bila keluar dengan seorang lelaki. Enjoy yourself and you will be surprised by the new things and new people who might come into your life.

Stop waiting and wishing. Start building up your life to begin again.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Even you broke my heart, you still the person I love to write about

Friday, November 9, 2018 November 09, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I clearly remember what you said, that you wanted me to stay in your life. you promised that no matter happen you will always stay by my side. And I couldn't imagine if I lose you, I couldn't imagine my life without you. I couldn't imagine how my feelings if you left.

I remember every single moment that we had together. I remember everything about you.
Tell me, how could I forget you... a part of my life, that was once special to my heart?

Di mana dan apa saja keadaan akan datang, aku percaya yang aku masih akan terus mengingati dia. I don't think I will ever forget him. Even now we lost each other and our relationship was short-lived, I don't think I can forget you. It's been two years, tapi perasaan tu masih tak dapat dibuang.

You will always be my favorite person to write about. Aku menulis semula setelah setahun tinggalkan blog ni sebab dia. Aku menulis sebab dengan cara ni aku dapat meluahkan. Our love story will always be the story that I love to tell people.

And you will always be the best thing that I have to set free.

Melepaskanmuuuu, bukan mudah bagiku untuk melalui semua ini :'(

As for now, aku perlahan-lahan cuba terima yang tiada jodoh antara kita. Tuhan sedang persiapkan yang terbaik untuk kita berdua, sesuatu yang masih menjadi rahsia Tuhan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak ditakdirkan dengan dia. Although it's heartbreaking to know that it's not you that I'm going to spend my life with, I'm still trying my best to be happy. Happy for you and happy for both of us.

I am trying so hard to distance myself from you, hoping that it’s going to be an easy healing for me. I am not gonna imagine how come you are so happy and how settled your life while I am here putting my broken pieces together.

I know that I am strong enough to kill this sadness.

Aku percaya yang masa akan memulihkan segala duka ni. Aku percaya yang satu hari nanti akan ada sinar bahagia. I will meet someone who's going to fill my life with love better than you did. I believe that few years from now, I still remember you but I will no longer remember the feelings that you gave. Perlahan-lahan rasa cinta itu lenyap bersama masa. One day I hope I will understand why Allah didn't make us together, forever.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Toxic relationship

Thursday, November 1, 2018 November 01, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Aku pernah berada dalam fasa yang aku kena jadi perfect untuk someone. I've tried so hard to be the person that's perfect for him. that suit him. But still, I'm not good, not pretty enough. Haha ! Kadang terlampau penat nak kejar expectation someone, terasa macam nak angkat kaki je.

Aku pernah juga berada dalam fasa digantung tak bertali. Sepatutnya masa ni aku dah sedar, yang dia tak ada effort pun nak perbaiki hubungan. Kalau dia betul sayangkan aku, dia akan fight bukan lari or biarkan relationship tergantung macam tu. I'm too attached to leave, but too exhausted to stay. I found myself so hard to move on because of the memories. That's why I keep waiting for that person. Sakit pon sakitlah, tetap nak tunggu.

Aku juga pernah berada dalam fasa sentiasa memaafkan dan terima semula. Selepas relationship berakhir, selalunya aku yang broken teruk while they look so happy with a new life, new partner. Lepas beberapa ketika aku dah mula terima perpisahan tu, they came look for an apology. Sebab aku fikir kebahagiaan aku masih pada mereka, jadi aku maafkan, kutip dan cantum semula perasaan tu. I keep giving them apologize to maintain the bond we shared, the memories that we held, while ignore the broken pieces of myself. Tapi biasalah, if the relationship are meant to be, it will never slipped away. Going back to a broken relationship never works.

Dan banyak lagi fasa yang tak seronok dalam relationship. Well actually we deserve more. More than that.

Kita deserve someone yang buat kita rasa dihargai, someone who means what they say, yang pegang pada janji, we deserve someone who make us feel love every moment. Once kita rasa hubungan tu macam satu paksaan, paksa diri untuk stay, paksa diri untuk muat dalam ruang hati dia sedangkan dia slowly push kita, then it's not a healthy relationhsip.

And I realize that the more time we waste on the people who don't deserve our love, mean the less time we have with people that do. Kita bagi full attention dekat someone yang dah tak peduli kita, hingga kita tak nampak someone yang always there for us.

So sesiapa yang sedang berada dalam toxic relationship, know where you stand. Selalu kita yang perempuan ni memang susah nak angkat kaki. But remember that the pain of leaving less hurt than prolonged pain that we get if we keep staying and hanging. Because, being in love isn't supposed to hurt.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Different people, different ways to heal

Monday, October 22, 2018 October 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

IT TAKES HALF THE TOTAL TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE TO GET OVER THEM

Haaa cuba bayangkan lama mana omputih anggarkan untuk kita get over someone after break up. Kalau yang jenis sebulan sampai namploh kali dating tu, cuba bayangkan kalau setahun dah berapa kali? Jenis pulak sekali dating sampai 22 jam.. matilanakkkk nak melupakan tu. Haha ! It takes half the total time okay... Tapi sebenarnya tak boleh jugak nak tentukan jangka masa untuk move on tu.

Your heart just doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work that way.

Ada orang cakap "alahhhh aku dulu seminggu je dah okay". Jangan kita rasa tak normal bila melebihi tempoh yang orang kata tu. It might works with them, but not with you. Different people, different ways to heal. Seminggu, sebulan, setahun atau lebih dari tu, it's ultimately up to you and time.

I've got so many question after break up years ago. Orang tanya aku "macam mana sekarang" "dah move on ke?" "kalau dia dengan orang lain kau okay tak?" Truth be told, I don't know how to answer those questions. Sebab sampai sekarang aku masih tengah nak figure out macam mana nak lupakan and terima semua ni. Aku tak menolak takdir, aku tahu dah takde jodoh, tapi tu lah.. mungkin masih tak boleh lupakan kenangan.

To be honest, I'm still in healing process. It's been two year after our first break up (putus sambung putus sambung). Sampai sekarang rasa macam tak percaya we're crashed, we're over. And I can't believe that somone can be perfectly fine after that 'storm'. Are you not affected? Sikit pun tak? You know how much it hurts me?

I can’t just bounce back up right away.

But then I realized that luka ni dah tak sebesar dulu. As time passes, as your heart starts to stitch itself back together, we will learn how to cope with the pain. It's not that luka tu hilang sendiri macam tu je, but we're cope with it. Because that pain never go. Kita cuma dah terbiasa. As time passes, it's not so much pain because we're just reminiscing the memories. And as time passes, I believe that the hurt, the pain will become less. It's going to bloom into something better InsyaAllah.

I should be grateful for the love that we felt. Walaupun sementara. Ya, cinta yang lepas tu tinggalkan sakit. But I'm so grateful that I know my heart has the ability to love that strongly. To feel that much. To love unconditionally.

And even though it's hurt, I'm going to be okay. I still surviving and breathing. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I feel like shit now, it’s going to get better. I'm going to grow. I'm going to get stronger :')

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Friday, May 11, 2018 May 11, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masih rindu. Tapi kali ni bukan rindu yang menyakitkan, bukan rindu sampai menangis tiap malam, bukan rindu yang membuatkan I scroll your Instagram profile dengan tangan yang bergetar, looking at your pictures - happy without me. Bukan lagi rindu yang sasau, yang kalau boleh nak panjat bukit and jerit sekuat hati. Bukan rindu yang membuatkan I hadap phone waiting your text 24/7. No, I don't miss you like that anymore. Missing you is no longer painful. Instead, I miss you now peacefully.

Masih rindu. Tapi rindu yang hanya rindu. Whenever I go hanging at the mall we used to date, I can still see "us" di setiap pelusuk mall, jalan tanpa arah tujuan. I miss you when I heard the song you always wrongly sing, I selalu marah you kalau you nyanyi lagu dengan confident tapi salah. I miss you when I pass by the roads we often taken when we go date. You know? Rindu yang macam tu. Rindu kenangan kita berdua.

I miss you in things around me. Perkara sekeliling yang berkait dengan kita dulu membawa kepada rindu itu.

I do miss you, but I know I won’t have you anymore. I can't reverse time. You now lives somewhere in the narrow alleys of my past.

It’s been a year now, and I still dare to say I miss you, and I realized that no matter how much time will pass and where we'll be, I'll always miss you. But don't worry, I miss you in peacefully :)

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

25 and not married yet and I'm okay

Thursday, February 22, 2018 February 22, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Masa umur belasan tahun dulu, I always have a thought that by 20, I met the right guy, who swipe away all of cinta monyet, and I believed by 25 I would already married. But as life always comes with surprise and turnarounds, takdir tak membawa aku kepada jalan cerita yang aku create sewaktu aku remaja.

After my first big love relationship ended, I just stay still, not make a move to be in a relationship again. Because the feeling being hurt is still there. Tapi, aku tak nafikan, berada dalam hubungan mengajar aku banyak perkara. It's more than just going on dates. It's an experience. Hubungan yang lepas dah buat aku matang, ajar aku tolak ansur (paling failed bab ni). Sebenarnya, untuk sesuatu hubungan yang tak berhasil tu, kita tahu mesti ada kekurangan baik di pihak dia ataupun di pihak kita. So it's a point to learn more about myself, and how to settle it.

Now I think, I'm only 25. I have still much more to do, much more to see, much more to explore, much more to learn. So why should I be looking for a man to marry now? Of course setiap orang tak sama. Ada yang lagi muda but ten times more mature than me and dah ada jodoh untuk kahwin, so yahhh kahwin lah anda.

For me, 25 is still young to know wether or not I could spend the rest of my life with one person. Orang kata perkahwinan tu satu perjudian yang kita tak tahu berjaya atau tidak, so for me, it's still early to step my foot dalam alam rumahtangga ni. Of course, I want to get married in the future, having a family, being a wonderful wife and supermom. And who knows, maybe my soulmate will show up tomorrow.

I'm not saying that I'm against being in a relationship, I'm not saying that everyone should stay single, but I would rather wait than to rush it. I just want to enjoy some time on my own first. I want to be my best self before I found "the one".

For now, I should work on myself, for myself and by myself. And I'm okay with that.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Monday, February 12, 2018 February 12, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I keep rereading our old texts, because I can't force myself to delete them. Kalau delete, like officially letting you go.. and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to erase every trace of your existence. I know, I should probably done with you now, but I refuse to act like our relationship never happened, I refuse to forget the way you made me feel. I just don't want !

I keep rereading our old texts, because I'm hoping that I find clues about why you act like that.. I'm searching for jawapan kepada setiap persoalan tentang retaknya hubungan kita, for a reason why you hurt me.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I miss you more than I can bear. I know I can't text you, so scrolling and reading our old messages is the best thing I can do :') Ini cara for me to feel close to you, even though you're far away. It's like everything is okay.

I keep rereading our old texts, because there's part of me yang beranggapan you're going come back one day. So I don't want to erase our old conversations, mana lah tahu nanti kita boleh tengok balik in future and laugh together?

I keep rereading our old texts, because they are reminder we really had something before. It wasn't all in my head. The texts, it's a prove that you had feelings for me too. It's not like bertepuk sebelah tangan. It's wasn't one-sided love.

And last,

I keep rereading our old texts, because I torture myself. I listen to sad songs and every single of lyrics remind me of you. I replay our memories over and over again when I get the chance. Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

Thursday, February 1, 2018 February 01, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Kita semua ada perasaan yang kita tak boleh nak brush off no matter how hard we've trying. I have one. I always thinking that you still love me, and at the same time I have a feeling that I'm not enough for you. And I keep blaming you for falling in love with another girl. Entahlah, that time I'm not angry, I just feel pain.

A part of me always felt yours, thinking I'm still yours,, and that's a word I hate to use. Even now, after blocking and walking away, masih ada something yang belum selesai. All day I thought about the countless things I always wanted to tell you but I never could. Tak tahu macam mana cara nak terus terang, plus I know it would be pointless. But I can't stop thinking them, feeling them. And yes, I once again break promises to myself - for not writing about you anymore :')

Kita mungkin takkan pernah berjumpa dan berhubung lagi, and maybe my words will never reach you, but in case if you're stalking me, in case you're reading this... I have to write this.

I loved you. You've always been there - in my mind. I loved you since the day we'd exchange our phone number.. A feelings that I can't describe. I'm so happy. A part of me will always loves you.

A part of me also hates you.. because you always told me that you loved me and how much you dreamed about being with me, you ruined it by telling me how you couldn't hurt her. You spit out the most beautiful words and the most painful words too. I hate you because I'm writing about you once again.

If you reading this, I miss you. Rindu yang terpaksa dipendam, sebab kalau diluahkan pun, tak berbalas. There's been so many times I've wanted to text you, to call you, but I can't. I'm not lost my love, but also my friend.. I miss how I ask for your advice, how we shared our thoughts on something, and I think that's the part I'll miss the most. I miss being friend with you.

Sebelum ni pun, when we still in a relationship, I always knew that there would come a point where I wouldn't have you in my life anymore, where I will lost you. It hurts. And I never thought I lost you so soon..

I'm hoping there will come a tomorrow where I miss you a little less. I'm hoping there comes a day I go on a date and you don't cross my mind. I hope the next time I place my heart in the hands of someone, it will remove that small part that used to have your name.. that your name will no longer be on it.

I miss you. But I want you to know, I'm working on not being yours anymore.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

I will stay single

Wednesday, January 31, 2018 January 31, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

Maybe I have to stop asking why everything went wrong... and just accept a fact that it did. Went wrong in my eyes but a perfect plan from Allah.

After going through all of this, you've taught me that I really don't love myself fully. Because if I did, I wouldn't let you come into my life twice and wreck it both times like you did.

Also, you've taught me that giving peluang kedua isn't always the best decision. Sebab, if someone does it once, they'll do it again. Manusia tak berubah dengan sendirinya, unless they want to.

Through your attempt to hurt me, dalam masa yang sama you've taught me.. a lot. I'm thankful for that.

Now I'm giving myself space, belajar mencintai diri sendiri. Fuhh susah juga sebenarnya nak cinta diri sendiri ni. Sebab selama ni buta, asyik cinta asyik sayang orang lain je, penuh pengorbanan sampai ketepikan perasaan sendiri, sakitkan hati sendiri.

Honestly, I don't know how long it takes to heal my feelings.. but until that time, I will stay single.

Labels: 2018, goodbyelove

You just let me go

Wednesday, December 13, 2017 December 13, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

All I asked was for you - to fight for me - to tell me the truth when you felt something was wrong - for you to just be honest with how you felt about me.

I loved who we were back then. I loved how we fit into one another’s arms.

Sometimes I want to get back to how we used to be. To get back to the beginning of our love story. To get back to July 2015. To get back to where we were. At the start. To get back just to see your smiles and glances. Because it's precious.

I want to go back to the night, where all I did was listen to your bebelan, your rungutan, your story, your nyanyian yang always salah lirik. I want to go back when just being with one another was enough. You and me, cukup.

And then, I want to go back to when things got tough. Bila something happened to our relationship and it's cracks. To when things were awkward and weird and uncomfortable. I want to go back to when neither of us had answers. To the moment when we had a silence more than words. To when we didn’t have words to describe how we were feeling. To the moment when we had more pauses than conversations. To when everything was going wrong, and we didn’t even know why.

Kenapa nak kembali pada waktu yang menyakitkan tu? Because I want to know, what were you thinking.. and I want to have the courage to question you, siapa aku di mata kau? Apa arah hubungan kita?

Sampai saat ni, I kept questions myself – was I not enough for you? Is it my fault?

But then I have to remind myself how it all blew up. Oh yaa, it was you. It wasn't me.

You were the one who didn’t fight for me. You were the one who didn’t try. To try to make it better. Segala peluang aku buka untuk kita baiki hubungan, I gave you every second to tell me what you wanted. To tell me what you needed. But you stayed with your lips sealed. Dan akhirnya, aku yang sakit. Aku yang terpaksa pendam rasa tu.

And then it was all over.

I gave up. I gave up when I needed you the most but you wasn't here. I gave up when I loved you the most but you don't feel the same. I gave up on 'us' after soooo long hanging on.

And for the last time, you don't even trying to stop me. You.... just... let... me... go...

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

Wednesday, October 25, 2017 October 25, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

So often we met people and life seems to be going so well, but we all know nothing lasts forever. Semakin kuat kita bertahan pada hubungan yang gagal, semakin kita hilang kebahagiaan diri. I know it takes strength to move on. Bukan mudah melupakan semuanya.

But why some people go back to the broken relationships? Kita lagi memilih untuk struggle dengan hubungan lama berbanding step out and move on. Yes, susah untuk sesetengah dari kita give up macam tu je, mungkin kita takut tak jumpa orang yang lebih baik dari dia.

He cheated, she cried.
He apologized, she took him back, he cheated again.
This just seemed to be the cycle of your relationship. Why do people go back to situation like that? Dalam hubungan sebegini, segala yang wujud adalah pembohongan dan pengkhianatan semata-mata.

So, don't go back. Ada sebabnya kenapa sesebuah hubungan tu not working. Going back to broken relationships are just ; walking back to broken pieces. You will never be able to move forward.

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

Lemah yang sementara

Sunday, October 22, 2017 October 22, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

I really miss him :(

Everything just reminds me of him. The places that we used to go, the conversation that we had, the memories both of us that I still can't let go. I'm so tired. Because I've tried my best, yet it is just not good enough.

Everyday I pack my days with so many activities, even in weekend, saja sibukkan diri so that I'm not lonely. But somehow, bila malam, duduk sorang-sorang, still teringat kenangan lepas. Kadang rasa penat dah cuba macam-macam but end up, all I want is talk to you again. Kadang dah hampir lupa how you hurt me so much, because I only remember our good time together. I wish I could give anything to go back. But I know, I shouldn't go back.

I know, this is just a temporary weakness. It will pass, as it always will. Going back to him takkan merubah apa-apa. He's still the person he is, because time won't change him. I'm probably insane expecting different results.. sebab tiga kali cuba, tiga kali jugak gagal. And it hurts so much, facing the same pain numerous times. And also, it's heartbreaking to break your own heart for someone who is unable to give you the love you deserve.

It's okay to miss him, normal lah kalau rasa macam tu. But I have to accept that whatever went down between me and him, it should stay in the past. If I'm going backwards, it just delay my healing process and it would reopen my wounds. If I refuse to let go of the past, I will probably unable to cherish my present. I will only making my life harder than it has to be.

DON'T LOVE SOMEONE TO THE POINT OF HATING YOURSELF. DON'T CLING ONTO THE PAST SO TIGHTLY. DON'T GO BACK TO WHAT HAD HURT YOU SO MANY TIMES

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

Friday, October 20, 2017 October 20, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

I wish there was a way to forget all the memories we shared. All the places we went, all the laughs we shared together, I wish I could forget it because it haunt me always. Sekarang, tiap kali lalu dekat tempat-tempat dating kita, it hurts and breaks me :( Kenapa kenangan tu segar sangat dalam minda, I wish I could forget it, but in fact, I can't get away from it. It's like I'm living in a nightmare, because every corner reminds me of you.

I can't stop remembering every single detail about you, setiap perkara, baik kecil atau besar tentang kita semua masih segar dalam ingatan. Your smile, your giggles, the way you walk, the way you eat, the way your eyes staring at me, the way you look at me and smile :( It's constant memory of what I don't have anymore. Faham tak rasa pedih tu macam mana? When he's so close but yet so far from you.

I wish to forget. How I wish I could make new memories dengan someone else. Bukannya hanya mengharapkan kita dapat ulang that memories. But I can't :( Yes, I wish so many things, but most of all, I wish you loved me back.

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

October 20, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

Nasihat buat yang baru putus cinta. Maybe this goes against nasihat-nasihat yang pernah korang dengar untuk move on. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but nahhh, this is from my point of view kayyy.

I'm someone who is on speaking terms with my ex. I'm close and be friends with guy who I ever cared about tapi he's did not feel the same way (friendzoned haha). But I don't believe in removing someone from your life hanya sebab mereka tak membalas kasih/cinta anda - they don't feel the same way or their feelings changed, dulu sayang sekarang tak lagi. Ramai yang bagi pesanan "move on lahh, buang dia jauh-jauh, block all the social media". But then I will lose two types of people, someone I love and a friend too. Cukuplah bila dah takde jodoh tu aku hilang kekasih je. Tapi aku still boleh anggap dia sebagai kawan (sebelum bercinta pon memang asalnya berkawan).

I do think ada cara lain lagi to get over people, untuk move on but still have them in my life. Tak perlu buang, tak perlu campak jauh. Orang cakap "you patut let him go.. totally !, you'll never heal kalau masih contact dia lagi, pretend that he didn't exist in your life" Fuhhhh -

Aku dah cuba, dah buat.. but removing someone out of your life doesn't mean they'll got removed easily from your heart. Delete contact number dia, block dia, but then dalam hati? So why make it harder for yourself? Behind every jiwang-jiwang or percintaan korang dulu, secara tak langsung you've developed a friendship. Don't lose that !

Rejection or a break up, you'll probably cry yourself until fall asleep (been there done that before). You'll be upset for a little while but then korang akan sedar yang korang anggap dia antara insan yang terpenting dalam hidup. Because when you love someone, like betul-betul sayang, korang akan pilih untuk kekalkan dia dalam hidup korang - whatever form fits them. Tak semestinya bila dah break up korang terus buang macam tu je, padahal bukan ke korang anggap dia tu penting? So if your relationship never work out, why not turn it into friendship.

I want to built a relationship with people who know me well. Even kisah kita, it's the love story yang I thought would end in happily ever after but it's not happen. Even dia adalah orang yang aku sayang tapi tak mampu menyayangi aku, that's okay. There is something to be said about two people who continue to fight for each other even after things have not gone accordingly, there is a RESPECT.

A respect for me because forgiving them for hurting me,

A respect I had for myself being that strong.

Because it does make you stronger.

Kita sering dimomokkan dengan cakap-cakap orang "not hurting yourself more by keeping them in your life, kenapa sakitkan hati masih berkawan or berhubung dengan ex" So we tend to let go of relationship that means a lot because we think it's for the best. *sigh*

Tapi aku percaya there's something beautiful getting over someone without having to lose them. Macam putus cinta tapi still berkawan. It might take a little longer, untuk tukar perasaan, untuk sesuaikan diri, untuk redha dengan semua but that's okay. Bayangkan, you're laughing at a mamak restaurant about how much you've been through together.

Proses getting over someone or move on isn't easy. There's always going to be a piece of you masih sayang dia, tapi biarkan sayang tu mengalir, sebagai kawan. Mereka pon masih sayang kita, maybe not the way we wanted, but they love you the best way they know.

SOMETIMES LOVE DOESN'T COME IN THE FORM WE WANT IT TO ALL THE TIME, BUT SOMETIMES YOU FIND AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE LATER WITH THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO HURT YOU BEFORE :)

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

Mungkin bukan kali ini..

October 20, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

Right now, I am here - without you. Untuk kali ini, aku ajar hati supaya okay dengan keadaan begini. Right now, I am learning that it is okay to stop fighting, it is okay to let things be. Mungkin di masa akan datang, kita bahagia. You and I. We are happy together. This time, I am taking all the trips we planned alone. This time, I am healing, I am growing, I am stretching into the space you used to occupy in my life. This time, I am moving on biarpun nampak tempang, biarpun dalam perjalanan ke depan seperti rasa sesuatu tertinggal di belakang. This time, I am setting you free.

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

Come back if you get a chance

Monday, October 2, 2017 October 02, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

I hope she makes you smile, bigger than I could.
I hope she takes care of you in ways I couldn't.
I hope she fills the void I refused to fill for so long.
I hope she's everything I'm not.

Well.. no ! I don't

Deep down I'm hoping it doesn't work out.
I'm hoping she messes up.

And come back if you get a chance. I'll be here. Always.

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove

October 02, 2017 | 0 Comment(s)

In a relationship, you will eventually come to the point where you have to make the choice : stay and fight atau pergi. And sadly, most people will leave. Regardless of the love, regardless of the person, they will run.. because it's easier.

Labels: 2017, goodbyelove