I remember seeing you two months after break up, and I still remember the feeling, macam ada satu panah tembus tertusuk ke hati (macam la pernah kena panah?) I don't know how to describe feelings masa tu, happy dan dalam masa yang sama, a rush of sadness, anger, dan segala nostalgia hit me at once. Get it? Celaru gila feelings masa tu.
I wanted nothing more than for you to come closer, I wanted you to tell me yang semua berlaku salah faham, and you regret that, I wanted to hear that you missed me cause I missed you so bad, but we just stayed quiet for a few moment.
And now after two years, how can I still remember every details of that day? Malam tu, kita berdua banyak diam. Aku lempar pandangan luar tingkap sambil menghayati bait lagu yang kedengaran, dan kerana terlalu menghayati, aku tak sedar yang air mata jatuh. Dan sampai sekarang tiap kali dengar lagu tu, it brings back the memories - Once - Dealova.
You asked me to stop cry, Tuhan je tahu betapa aku meraung dalam hati, kenapa semua ni jadi, we were just fine before, kenapa kau pilih untuk tipu aku, kenapa kau tergamak ada hubungan dengan perempuan lain, semua tu aku rasa nak penjelasan malam tu, aku dah rabak sangat tanggung luka. And you just said it was a mistake, without further explanation. Kau minta peluang untuk betulkan keadaan. Senang kan?
Sebab sayang I gave you a second chance. Aku cuba buang kenyataan yang kau pernah curang, aku cuma nak kita macam dulu. But then, you acted like you don't need me, you don't want me anymore. You acted like it was my fault. Setiap hari aku menangis, buntu, nak pergi hati masih sayang, tapi terlalu sakit nak teruskan. Then aku cuba, cuba je luahkan semua dan berterus terang yang aku dah penat berjuang seorang, dengan harapan ada halangan dari kau. Percayalah, kalau sekali je kau halang aku untuk pergi, aku memang takkan pergi. Atau kalau pun aku memang dah pergi, dan bila-bila kau sedar kau perlukan aku, I'll always open the door for you.
It took me a long time to see that I would be okay without you. But sometimes, I still miss you. There just less sadness behind it. I still hope that you'll walk through that door, but a big part of me has accepted that you probably won't.
I already know all the reasons why I haven't forgiven him, even it's been a long time since we've broke up, even years. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just holding onto the grudge too long. But the feeling of betrayal, urghhh, I just can't forget. Kadang-kadang terdetik juga dalam hati, maybe it's the time to let him go. Maybe it's the time to try forgive him.
Sometimes, we think forgiving is a sign of weakness, when in fact it’s the opposite. Memaafkan tu dah cukup membuktikan we have that strength - strength to let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memaafkan perlu banyak kekuatan untuk usir segala sakit yang dah tertanam dalam hati, untuk buang rasa dendam yang tersimpan sekian lama. So orang yang memaafkan adalah orang yang kuat sebenarnya.
Forgiving him doesn’t mean what he did was okay. It just means that you know you’re bigger than the pain he tried to give to you, you’re stronger than any amount of brokenness he tried to leave you in. You should be proud - finally berjaya loloskan diri dari berdendam dengan kisah lalu, berjaya padamkan amarah, you should be proud that you can do the thing that people struggle to do all their lives.
I'm still struggling on this. Aku tahu kalau aku teruskan berdendam terhadap apa yang dah berlaku, terhadap setiap satu yang pernah melukakan, it's going to destroy me, perhaps even more than what they're did.
One day, I hope you can find a way to forget all the pain, leave it behind and never look back.
And maybe you’re not ready to forgive him yet. That’s okay too.
Aku takdelah nak cakap yang aku ni lonely, tapi I wouldn't say I feel entirely fulfilled either. I'm not bored, but I feel like I need to do something more than what I'm doing. Kekadang waktu cuti tu tak sedar masa berlalu, tahu-tahu je dah bedtime ! Half of my day passes just like that. Pernah tak korang rasa macam tu? That you have to ask yourself, apa je yang aku buat harini? Ada hari yang aku rasa tak connect pun dengan dunia luar, I just float until the next day. Haha !
But I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just float, not doing anything. I want to go out, climb, fall, fail and try to climb again. Teringin jugak rasanya nak jatuh cinta semula, rasa dah lama duduk dalam comfort zone yang mana aku tutup hati untuk kenal dengan sesiapa pun. I don't even give a try sebab takut kecewa lagi. I want to fall madly in love with my life and with someone else. I don’t want to remain so numb to the world. Aku nak rasa bermakna kembali. Sekarang still a bit confuse, tak happy tapi tak jugak sedih. My heart isn't broken but it doesn't feel full either. Semuanya berada di tengah. I want to find the meaning in between. Between happy and sad, between lonely and loving.
Untuk girls di luar sana yang masih mencari, menanti dan meletak harapan pada "the right man", life is much more than a waiting game. Life is much more than finding a special one. Life is much more than a man.
Back then when I fell in love, I made mistake. Everything that I did, every thought was up to him. Aku fikir that's how relationsip were supposed to be. Bila fikir balik relationship tu, it was beautiful but also scary. Secara tak sedar, I had lost myself in him. I cared him more than I cared about myself. Obviously, that's not a healthy relationship ye kawan-kawan.
And when it ended, I was left with just myself. Betapa remuknya hati masa tu Tuhan je tahu. I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know how to control my feelings. Macam mana nak biasakan diri with just me. Without him anymore.
It took a long time for me to love myself without a guy loving me too. It took months and almost a year to recover, to just accept the truth. Then I finally healed (aku rasalah, not 100% but much better than before). I grew up stronger and I swore that I never do that again. I never wanted to lose myself in someone else again. I never wanted so attached to someone, that without them I would fall apart. Sekarang orang cakap aku ni memilih la, playing hard to get, jual mahal la, aku tak kesah pun. Sebab aku dah alami rasa sakit remuk jiwa tu dan aku taknak berulang lagi. Aku kecewa nanti pun bukan korang yang hadap, aku kena hadap sendiri so ada baiknya aku lebih berhati-hai sekarang. Urusan jodoh aku serahkan pada yang Maha Kuasa.
I am me, without needing anyone else to make me smile. And you too girls. Kita semua boleh membahagiakan diri sendiri. We are capable to live a full life without someone holding our hand every step of the way. Kerana Tuhan itu ada, Bergantung harap pada manusia ni selalunya berakhir dengan kecewa.
Girls, put your shoes on now, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "begini pun cukup". You shine without needing a diamond ring on your finger. You shine yourself, without needing someone else, isn't it cool haaa? And that's how it should be.
You need to put yourself first. Because at the end of the day, you are going to leave this earth by yourself. Mati nanti pun sensorang kan? So mulai dari sekarang, belajar jadi bestfriend kepada diri sendiri, mentor diri sendiri, pakar terapi untuk diri sendiri dan hero diri sendiri. Ini bukan gila or syok sendiri ye, but as I mentioned before, to lessen our hope terhadap manusia. Because a man isn't going to save you, to magically makes you happy. That's all up to you.
Jump without being scared of falling, climb the mountain, go out and live your life instead of waiting someone to make you happy.
Kenapa bazirkan masa dihadapan pintu, menunggu seseorang bukakan pintu tu kalau kita boleh buka sendiri pintu tu. Open the door for yourself and go out, experience what it's like to take a walk alone. Trust me, it's not that bad go out alone. Kita akan rasa bebas sangat buat apa yang kita suka. Yang sebelum ni mungkin terbatas bila keluar dengan seorang lelaki. Enjoy yourself and you will be surprised by the new things and new people who might come into your life.
Stop waiting and wishing. Start building up your life to begin again.
I clearly remember what you said, that you wanted me to stay in your life. you promised that no matter happen you will always stay by my side. And I couldn't imagine if I lose you, I couldn't imagine my life without you. I couldn't imagine how my feelings if you left. I remember every single moment that we had together. I remember everything about you. Tell me, how could I forget you... a part of my life, that was once special to my heart? Di mana dan apa saja keadaan akan datang, aku percaya yang aku masih akan terus mengingati dia. I don't think I will ever forget him. Even now we lost each other and our relationship was short-lived, I don't think I can forget you. It's been two years, tapi perasaan tu masih tak dapat dibuang. You will always be my favorite person to write about. Aku menulis semula setelah setahun tinggalkan blog ni sebab dia. Aku menulis sebab dengan cara ni aku dapat meluahkan. Our love story will always be the story that I love to tell people.
And you will always be the best thing that I have to set free. Melepaskanmuuuu, bukan mudah bagiku untuk melalui semua ini :'( As for now, aku perlahan-lahan cuba terima yang tiada jodoh antara kita. Tuhan sedang persiapkan yang terbaik untuk kita berdua, sesuatu yang masih menjadi rahsia Tuhan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak ditakdirkan dengan dia. Although it's heartbreaking to know that it's not you that I'm going to spend my life with, I'm still trying my best to be happy. Happy for you and happy for both of us.
I am trying so hard to distance myself from you, hoping that it’s going to be an easy healing for me. I am not gonna imagine how come you are so happy and how settled your life while I am here putting my broken pieces together.
I know that I am strong enough to kill this sadness.
Aku percaya yang masa akan memulihkan segala duka ni. Aku percaya yang satu hari nanti akan ada sinar bahagia. I will meet someone who's going to fill my life with love better than you did. I believe that few years from now, I still remember you but I will no longer remember the feelings that you gave. Perlahan-lahan rasa cinta itu lenyap bersama masa. One day I hope I will understand why Allah didn't make us together, forever.