Untuk girls di luar sana yang masih mencari, menanti dan meletak harapan pada "the right man", life is much more than a waiting game. Life is much more than finding a special one. Life is much more than a man.
Back then when I fell in love, I made mistake. Everything that I did, every thought was up to him. Aku fikir that's how relationsip were supposed to be. Bila fikir balik relationship tu, it was beautiful but also scary. Secara tak sedar, I had lost myself in him. I cared him more than I cared about myself. Obviously, that's not a healthy relationship ye kawan-kawan.
And when it ended, I was left with just myself. Betapa remuknya hati masa tu Tuhan je tahu. I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know how to control my feelings. Macam mana nak biasakan diri with just me. Without him anymore.
It took a long time for me to love myself without a guy loving me too. It took months and almost a year to recover, to just accept the truth. Then I finally healed (aku rasalah, not 100% but much better than before). I grew up stronger and I swore that I never do that again. I never wanted to lose myself in someone else again. I never wanted so attached to someone, that without them I would fall apart. Sekarang orang cakap aku ni memilih la, playing hard to get, jual mahal la, aku tak kesah pun. Sebab aku dah alami rasa sakit remuk jiwa tu dan aku taknak berulang lagi. Aku kecewa nanti pun bukan korang yang hadap, aku kena hadap sendiri so ada baiknya aku lebih berhati-hai sekarang. Urusan jodoh aku serahkan pada yang Maha Kuasa.
I am me, without needing anyone else to make me smile. And you too girls. Kita semua boleh membahagiakan diri sendiri. We are capable to live a full life without someone holding our hand every step of the way. Kerana Tuhan itu ada, Bergantung harap pada manusia ni selalunya berakhir dengan kecewa.
Girls, put your shoes on now, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "begini pun cukup". You shine without needing a diamond ring on your finger. You shine yourself, without needing someone else, isn't it cool haaa? And that's how it should be.
You need to put yourself first. Because at the end of the day, you are going to leave this earth by yourself. Mati nanti pun sensorang kan? So mulai dari sekarang, belajar jadi bestfriend kepada diri sendiri, mentor diri sendiri, pakar terapi untuk diri sendiri dan hero diri sendiri. Ini bukan gila or syok sendiri ye, but as I mentioned before, to lessen our hope terhadap manusia. Because a man isn't going to save you, to magically makes you happy. That's all up to you.
Jump without being scared of falling, climb the mountain, go out and live your life instead of waiting someone to make you happy.
Kenapa bazirkan masa dihadapan pintu, menunggu seseorang bukakan pintu tu kalau kita boleh buka sendiri pintu tu. Open the door for yourself and go out, experience what it's like to take a walk alone. Trust me, it's not that bad go out alone. Kita akan rasa bebas sangat buat apa yang kita suka. Yang sebelum ni mungkin terbatas bila keluar dengan seorang lelaki. Enjoy yourself and you will be surprised by the new things and new people who might come into your life.
Stop waiting and wishing. Start building up your life to begin again.
I clearly remember what you said, that you wanted me to stay in your life. I promised that no matter happen I will always stay by your side. Because I couldn't imagine if I lose you, I couldn't imagine my life without you. I couldn't imagine how my feelings if you left.
I remember every single moment that we had together. I remember everything about you.
Tell me, how could I forget you... a part of my life, that was once special to my heart?
Di mana dan apa saja keadaan akan datang, aku percaya yang aku masih akan terus mengingati dia. I don't think I will ever forget him. Even now we lost each other and our relationship was short-lived, I don't think I can forget you.
You will always be my favorite person to write about. Aku menulis semula setelah setahun tinggalkan blog ni sebab dia. Aku menulis sebab dengan cara ni aku dapat meluahkan. Our love story will always be the story that I love to tell people.
And you will always be the best thing that I have to set free. Melepaskanmuuuu, bukan mudah bagiku untuk melalui semua ini :'( As for now, aku perlahan-lahan cuba terima yang tiada jodoh antara kita. Tuhan sedang persiapkan yang terbaik untuk kita berdua, sesuatu yang masih menjadi rahsia Tuhan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak ditakdirkan dengan dia. Although it's heartbreaking to know that it's not you that I'm going to spend my life with, I'm still trying my best to be happy. Happy for you and happy for both of us.
I am trying so hard to distance myself from you, hoping that it’s going to be an easy healing for me. I am not gonna imagine how come you are so happy and how settled your life while I am here putting my broken pieces together.
I know that I am strong enough to kill this sadness.
Aku percaya yang masa akan memulihkan segala duka ni. Aku percaya yang satu hari nanti akan ada sinar bahagia. I will meet someone who's going to fill my life with love better than you did. I believe that few years from now, I still remember you but I will no longer remember the feelings that you gave. Perlahan-lahan rasa cinta itu lenyap bersama masa. One day I hope I will understand why Allah didn't make us together, forever.
Aku pernah berada dalam fasa yang aku kena jadi perfect untuk someone. I've tried so hard to be the person that's perfect for him. that suit him. But still, I'm not good, not pretty enough. Haha ! Kadang terlampau penat nak kejar expectation someone, terasa macam nak angkat kaki je.
Aku pernah juga berada dalam fasa digantung tak bertali. Sepatutnya masa ni aku dah sedar, yang dia tak ada effort pun nak perbaiki hubungan. Kalau dia betul sayangkan aku, dia akan fight bukan lari or biarkan relationship tergantung macam tu. I'm too attached to leave, but too exhausted to stay. I found myself so hard to move on because of the memories. That's why I keep waiting for that person. Sakit pon sakitlah, tetap nak tunggu.
Aku juga pernah berada dalam fasa sentiasa memaafkan dan terima semula. Selepas relationship berakhir, selalunya aku yang broken teruk while they look so happy with a new life, new partner. Lepas beberapa ketika aku dah mula terima perpisahan tu, they came look for an apology. Sebab aku fikir kebahagiaan aku masih pada mereka, jadi aku maafkan, kutip dan cantum semula perasaan tu. I keep giving them apologize to maintain the bond we shared, the memories that we held, while ignore the broken pieces of myself. Tapi biasalah, if the relationship are meant to be, it will never slipped away. Going back to a broken relationship never works.
Dan banyak lagi fasa yang tak seronok dalam relationship. Well actually we deserve more. More than that.
Kita deserve someone yang buat kita rasa dihargai, someone who means what they say, yang pegang pada janji, we deserve someone who make us feel love every moment. Once kita rasa hubungan tu macam satu paksaan, paksa diri untuk stay, paksa diri untuk muat dalam ruang hati dia sedangkan dia slowly push kita, then it's not a healthy relationhsip.
And I realize that the more time we waste on the people who don't deserve our love, mean the less time we have with people that do. Kita bagi full attention dekat someone yang dah tak peduli kita, hingga kita tak nampak someone yang always there for us.
So sesiapa yang sedang berada dalam toxic relationship, know where you stand. Selalu kita yang perempuan ni memang susah nak angkat kaki. But remember that the pain of leaving less hurt than prolonged pain that we get if we keep staying and hanging. Because, being in love isn't supposed to hurt.
IT TAKES HALF THE TOTAL TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE TO GET OVER THEM
Haaa cuba bayangkan lama mana omputih anggarkan untuk kita get over someone after break up. Kalau yang jenis sebulan sampai namploh kali dating tu, cuba bayangkan kalau setahun dah berapa kali? Jenis pulak sekali dating sampai 22 jam.. matilanakkkk nak melupakan tu. Haha ! It takes half the total time okay... Tapi sebenarnya tak boleh jugak nak tentukan jangka masa untuk move on tu.
Your heart just doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work that way.
Ada orang cakap "alahhhh aku dulu seminggu je dah okay". Jangan kita rasa tak normal bila melebihi tempoh yang orang kata tu. It might works with them, but not with you. Different people, different ways to heal. Seminggu, sebulan, setahun atau lebih dari tu, it's ultimately up to you and time.
I've got so many question after break up years ago. Orang tanya aku "macam mana sekarang" "dah move on ke?" "kalau dia dengan orang lain kau okay tak?" Truth be told, I don't know how to answer those questions. Sebab sampai sekarang aku masih tengah nak figure out macam mana nak lupakan and terima semua ni. Aku tak menolak takdir, aku tahu dah takde jodoh, tapi tu lah.. mungkin masih tak boleh lupakan kenangan.
To be honest, I'm still in healing process. It's been two year after our first break up (putus sambung putus sambung). Sampai sekarang rasa macam tak percaya we're crashed, we're over. And I can't believe that somone can be perfectly fine after that 'storm'. Are you not affected? Sikit pun tak? You know how much it hurts me?
I can’t just bounce back up right away.
But then I realized that luka ni dah tak sebesar dulu. As time passes, as your heart starts to stitch itself back together, we will learn how to cope with the pain. It's not that luka tu hilang sendiri macam tu je, but we're cope with it. Because that pain never go. Kita cuma dah terbiasa. As time passes, it's not so much pain because we're just reminiscing the memories. And as time passes, I believe that the hurt, the pain will become less. It's going to bloom into something better InsyaAllah.
I should be grateful for the love that we felt. Walaupun sementara. Ya, cinta yang lepas tu tinggalkan sakit. But I'm so grateful that I know my heart has the ability to love that strongly. To feel that much. To love unconditionally.
And even though it's hurt, I'm going to be okay. I still surviving and breathing. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I feel like shit now, it’s going to get better. I'm going to grow. I'm going to get stronger :')
Masih rindu. Tapi kali ni bukan rindu yang menyakitkan, bukan rindu sampai menangis tiap malam, bukan rindu yang membuatkan I scroll your Instagram profile dengan tangan yang bergetar, looking at your pictures - happy without me. Bukan lagi rindu yang sasau, yang kalau boleh nak panjat bukit and jerit sekuat hati. Bukan rindu yang membuatkan I hadap phone waiting your text 24/7. No, I don't miss you like that anymore. Missing you is no longer painful. Instead, I miss you now peacefully.
Masih rindu. Tapi rindu yang hanya rindu. Whenever I go hanging at the mall we used to date, I can still see "us" di setiap pelusuk mall, jalan tanpa arah tujuan. I miss you when I heard the song you always wrongly sing, I selalu marah you kalau you nyanyi lagu dengan confident tapi salah. I miss you when I pass by the roads we often taken when we go date. You know? Rindu yang macam tu. Rindu kenangan kita berdua.
I miss you in things around me. Perkara sekeliling yang berkait dengan kita dulu membawa kepada rindu itu.
I do miss you, but I know I won’t have you anymore. I can't reverse time. You now lives somewhere in the narrow alleys of my past.
It’s been a year now, and I still dare to say I miss you, and I realized that no matter how much time will pass and where we'll be, I'll always miss you. But don't worry, I miss you in peacefully :)